befogtheantagonist

Musings from the edge

More madness, different source

2 Comments

The person I think of as a dear friend decided to separate herself from everyone, including me. I haven’t yet determined if she’s doing so out of (1) a need to do everything herself, (2) a general distrust in others’ offers of help, or (3) our relationship isn’t of much value to her. I have reason to believe that any of these three could be operative here. 

She has been married twice, and they both ended because in one instance, she was too young, and in the other instance the courtship went too fast. This was her description of them. She also operates in a business that essentially leaves it’s professionals as loners, or at least at a considerable personal distance from others, for obvious reasons of self-protection. So when she has problems in the business I’m less likely to hear about them early, and usually in the context of “me v. them”.

Adding fuel to this is a general unevenness in her approach with me. We have (or had) conversations where she is tremendously warm and open and others where it feels more business-like and foreign. At times conversations veer off into her business issues (again the “me v. them” dynamic) and less about her. In many ways I still feel like I’ve hardly scratched the surface of who she is. And then she has more or less reduced communications to simple, impersonal “have a great day” missives through text or, more common these days, a DM via Twitter. 

So I guess I’m not very important to her. I feel all sorts of feelings about her right now, but the main thing is disappointment. Maybe I overthought it. I really did feel love toward her – she has made me a measurably better man. But at this stage I don’t know if a relationship is going to progress past a basic friendship. I thought it was, and I’m having to admit to myself that I was perhaps deluding myself. 

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2 thoughts on “More madness, different source

  1. Sometimes, the damnable things about being a True Friend, is slogging through times like this while a friend it lost in it as well. Frankly I cannot see how anyone could not value your friendship. So, her interactions with you are definitely an ‘internal’ matter on her end. Life, especially in some professions can leave one’s sould feeling like it’s been through a chemical paint-stripping, and then there’s all of Life’s normal hassles as well.
    All you can do is what you can do–wait for her to come back, and greet her with open arms. NOT easy, I’ll agree, but as we all know–sometimes being a Friend is a trip through some really tough stretches.
    Also, you’re not alone, you’ve got support in this time from myself as you hack through the swampy jungle of a friend’s tought times.
    (HUG)

    ~Marlene~

  2. There is a haunting quality about relationships, especially when each side is somewhat genuine. Delusions are so abstract though, so unclear, and risky. I mean, there was a time when I had imagined that this one was so close to me, or that we were in tune. Whilst in fact, we were/are just not to the same tone, or song. There is no advice, there is no way- just a journey.

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